I am not so good at this...
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After watching what my sweet mother went through when her last child left...I decided to prepare and prepare so that I would be fine...(have lots to do, make plans, be involved, bake cookies, read, don't think, be nice...)
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yet today I don't want to...
and last night I couldn't sleep and thought about each child and life and moments that I have memorized about them...about her, our youngest child...and I had to turn my pillow over from the tears...
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and because she graduated from college this summer and is grown and lovely, she is on to her own beautiful life...and 4 whole hours ago, she drove away with her dog and her boxes, and her guitar, and her sweater, and her incredible 'way' and now there is no one to represent all of them anymore, no one left to represent her. The sentences have been said and the decibels are quiet ...
and so am I. When I hugged her I didn't want to let go.
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And when she turned her car at the mailbox to wave her last smile...I swallowed hard and waved...and also turned...to start my new life.
But somehow, I just stood there...not wanting to reach for the button that would close the garage door and make it all real. I've done this before...you'd think I would learn.
And finally (for the sake of the neighborhood and decorum) I pushed the button and watched the garage door come down. Then sat on the little steps in the dim garage and cried.
What I realize now and what my mother must have known...
is that you can't prepare not to miss someone.
It's called:
Love.
11 comments:
Wow....makes me miss mine and they're still here.
Brenda, you are so sweet. Your kids and grandkids are all so lucky to have you in their lives. I love reading your blog, because you have such a way with words! I feel like I am reading a good book, and I laugh and cry. Hope all is going well with you! I'll represent all your family out this way in Utah and say we love you! Hang in there!
Ok I am bawling my eyes out now! WHY do they have to grow up? Wait, that means I wouldn't have grown up and been able to experience being a Mom. It is SO worth it, but so NOT fair.
I love you and am sending the BIGGEST Hug of my life your way! I miss you and hope you know that I think about you every day. You really are an amazing Mom! Love you!!!
P.S. I like Springville!!! ;)
It published mine twice, so I erased one. Didn't want you to wonder who decided to delete their comment! ;)
Mom, I actually thought about this when we were coming home from Ashley taking our pictures. I realized that this is the first time you have really been an empty nester. Man! I feel like I need to go cry out, even as I sit here next to incessant fingerprints on my glass doors. :) Time flies fast! I remember sometimes when we would be kneeling down for family prayer, you would have us all look around at each other. You would tell us that it was not always going to be this way. It was hard to imagine we wouldn't all live under the same roof for forever back then. Time goes so much faster for moms! I'm glad you had us stop and think about it sometimes. We still have each other though. And we'll all be together next month! Watch out! Get ready for a big mess and fingerprints on your glass doors. ha ha! :)
I was just thinking about this today. With Audrey getting so big...What will I do? When you start your family so young you hardly know anything else! Well... somedays I could think of a few millon things I would enjoy doing on my own ;)
I'm not that far away... you can visit!
Yeah.. the idea of Max being anywhere but in my arms or in his crib where I can keep an eye on him doesn't sit too well... and I doubt that will change much over the years! Hope you are doing okay!
Just want to tell you that I love you and am thinking about you Aunt Brenda.
LOVE this! And love your family! You have been such a wonderful mom to your kids. They have gone their ways and look at what a fantastic job you have done raising them! I hope I can do the same where my kids will always want to visit, have me visit and be so close to my grandchildren. You are such a great example of love!
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